This week’s post is a toughie for me. Pregnancy loss is something which affects so many of us, and yet when it happens to you, you feel like the only one in the world. Because nobody ever mentions it. It becomes like your secret shame, and it should never feel that way. So I’m going to be brazen and talk.
Because it’s hard to be the only one without a bump. Without a pram. Without a warm bundle of baby-ness in your arms. You feel like it will never happen for you; like blessings are for the other people. That’s not the case.
So it was always my wish to put my thoughts into words one day, in the hope of helping somebody out there find a little piece of comfort. There is help for you. There is support. There may be solutions if you look for them and you may still find that rainbow if you keep on searching. I am proof of that.
My Valentine’s Letter
This Valentine’s day I will think of you. All three of you. Your tiny hearts which did not beat for long.
You lived within me, in the folds of my womb. Cushioned, warm, but not safe enough. I’m sorry.
You carried with you my hopes and dreams. The hopes and dreams of others too. I would mother you.
I never got to feel you kick, to watch the swell of my belly as you grew. You didn’t grow enough.
I only got to see one of you swim on a scan; my little heart number three. How you bounced. If it wasn’t for you, I would have given up. But your flicker of life gave me hope – the hope that kept me fighting, which bloomed into your brother. My little rainbow boy.
I never knew why you didn’t endure. I never will. That’s fate I guess; not ours to understand.
Just know that I wanted you and nurtured you as best I could whilst you were mine. You were loved, you tiny, tiny souls. So loved.
But I won’t cling to you. Our lives are not about the sad things; we must celebrate the rainbows. And I do. So today I let you go.
May your hearts dance happily with the stars. All three of you. Be good.
And know that you have taught me so much. You have shown me perseverance. We will never know what life plans for us, but we must keep going. We must get up, each day, and try again. With a smile.
You have shaped me, little hearts. You have made me strong. You have reminded me to be grateful, every single day, for the one which did endure.
So this Valentine’s day my heart is for you. All three of you. Yours which did not beat for long.
If you feel moved to say a few words, or you have a story to share which may help others, then please feel free to scroll down and type something in the Comments box. I would love to hear your thoughts.
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For advice or support in relation to pregnancy loss, I recommend the Miscarriage Association website, where you will find lots of helpful information, and even a forum where you can chat to others:
More From Me
If you want to know more about the mummy behind the poem and her rainbow boy, please see the About Me page, below:
If you’re touched by this candid post, you may enjoy the slightly more upbeat honesty in my post Confessions of a Writer – Mummy Feels Naked:
And as always, I am here for you via my contact page if you need me. Don’t be nervous: