Now don’t go shooting me down in flames. This may be a tad controversial, and I accept toddler groups are a lifeline to many mums, and super great for the little ones, blah blah blah. But come on. Don’t they sometimes just annoy you?
And I’m not trying to put you off them. If you haven’t been, go with a friend, and all of this stuff will be hilarious. These are not ten universal truths, just my sarcastic take on the matter. Probably on a bad day.
*Secures her bullet proof vest for the onslaught*
Argh, here goes:
Toddler Group Truth #1
Small strangers try to touch you. They are sticky. They have A LOT of breakfast encrusted around their faces and they may be snotty. Their parent/guardian types are not parenting or guarding, they are playing Candy Crush Saga on their mobile phones at an unsafe distance.
Urgh, but you’re not all bad. You have a change of heart and decide to adopt poor urchin child. You go home with eight children. You only came with one.
Toddler Group Truth #2
All you came for is the coffee and cake. So why are they making you wait? Come on, dish up. You’re not going to burn anyone. (Probably.)
And when it is finally break time you feel bad about people waiting on you (and scowling about it), so you half-heartedly try to assist, not knowing where anything is and hoping your kid doesn’t break stuff whilst you’re gone. And why so territorial about the cake? Just give me the damned CAAAAAAAKE.
Toddler Group Truth #3
There’s that snack time bit when the kids dive into the food trough and the mums are all so enviably cool about it. You are the only one scrubbing your kid with wet wipes and bundling them up in their plastic scene of crime suit to avoid the mess. So much bloody mess. How did they get to be so chilled out about the MESS?
Toddler Group Truth #4
Then there’s that sing-song time when everyone knows the words apart from you. The snippets you thought you knew appear to have changed since your day. Apparently no one is falling out of bed and bumping their head any more. Miss Molly does not have a dolly whose head pops off. Your versions make the children sob.
Some toad has also added extra verses to make you look like even more of a loser. Since when was there a shivering polar bear when you were merrily rowing your boat down the stream? Nonsense.
You can’t keep count during the songs with numbers. How many ducks/monkeys/dratted men in a flying saucer did they get to? Oh, who cares. You never believed in the moon landing anyway.
The lullabies start you yawning. Or is that just LACK OF SLEEP?
Toddler Group Truth #5
Then there’s that excruciating bit when the nursery rhymes have actions. Probably in some form of made up sign language which is suitable for babies but totally out of your league. Because you are too sodding stupid. You cannot keep up with the actions. You are the only one. The other women are hero mums with octopus arms and super brains. They will probably start singing in Portuguese in a sec.
That’s it, they’ve spotted you. They can see you don’t know your hopping bunnies from your dingle dangle whatevers. You must be a bad mother who does not sing to your child. You will need to leave soon before authorities are notified.
Toddler Group Truth #6
You have to feign interest in making gunky patterns with bits of potato whilst your child, clearly not giving a toss about any vegetable that isn’t a chip, scoots off to investigate an interesting piece of skirting board.
And don’t get started on that messy play. You do not want to sit in a tub of cold spaghetti hoops in the interests of “improving your sensory experience” and nor does your child. You’ve got enough bloody washing to do.
Toddler Group Truth #7
You’re never sure of the shoe etiquette. Shoes on? Shoes off? Everyone’s doing something different. Seems sensible to take them off (lady with the stilettos who stood on my kid’s fingers, I’m looking at you). But slightly hideous when it’s summer and your Peacocks pumps are stinking the place out. Not to mention that you haven’t painted your toe nails since before you got preg. Where’s the flipping time?
Toddler Group Truth #8
When it’s time to pack away, you’ve no clue where to put stuff. You’re trying to show your child how to cooperate and tidy up nicely, but you don’t want to screw up and get scowled at (again). It’s a military operation. Do the dolls go in the house or the box?
Oh, the pressure.
As a brazen friend once put it, “I’m not being an arse, I just don’t where anything goes.” Yeah, what she said. Now let me help you clear away that cake.
Toddler Group Truth #9
But worst of all they don’t serve wine. And let’s face it ladies, they bloody should.
Toddler Group Truth #10
Because wine is probably cheaper.
So now that I’ve offended everyone I’ve ever met at a toddler group and probably got myself banned from all of them, what’s your take on the matter? Are you a lover or a hater? Have I missed anything? Stick your comment in the box a bit further down and join the revolution!
If you enjoyed this stupid humour, you may also like my Brazen Mummy Quiz or Sarcastic Guide to Blogging Terms, on the links below. If you didn’t…err…sorry!
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